On Fucking Aliens

I re-watched Star Trek the other day. Not quite the same on the TV, but I enjoyed it nevertheless.

I love the references to the old series – especially the scene where Kirk is in bed with the green chick. Anyway, this got me wondering whether I would sleep with an alien?

If the Men in Black mythology is right – that aliens already live among us in disguise – then I probably have. It’s not a case of odds (I’ve not slept with that many women), it’s just that some of them have been really weird.

I guess the question is how humanoid are the aliens? I mean, there is a reason why I don’t bonk farm animals.

Kirk’s lay in Star Trek is undeniably hot (not Vulcan hot, but still), her skin just happens to be green. So yeah, I don’t see a problem with that. I’m pretty sure I could get used to green boobies. They’re still boobies.

(Not technically an “alien”, but) What about Helena Bonham Carter’s “sexy” chimp from Planet of the Apes? Could you go with that? Me? Nah. I’m a traditionalist when it comes to body-hair. And anyway, kissing her leathery ape-face would be like sucking on a handbag. Not for me, no.

I haven’t seen Avatar, but the thought of scuttling a 7-foot tall cat-woman with a tail longer than my arm, is a bit freaky. Now I’m not ruling it out, but there would need to be beer and I’d want to agree on some firm ground rules. But, we could probably make something work.

Luckily in Star Wars, many of the Aliens look a lot like Natalie Portman and Carrie Fisher, so we’re cool. I’d make a sharp exit if I went on a blind-date with one of the Sand People though. Sparkplugs sticking out of someone’s face is just plain creepy. Finally, role play with the changeling Zam Wessell from Attack of The Clones could be loads of fun. Definitely up for some of that.

Obviously the Queen from the Aliens movie is out of the question. The whole furious giant ant/acid-blood thing is, to be honest, a bit of a turn-off. I’ll pass.

So what do we want from an alien partner?

Well certainly a biped is a good start – and arms, she’s got to have arms. That way we avoid creatures that move around using tentacles or slide along on some kind of primeval ooze. And is it too much to ask that the sexual organs don’t have teeth or squirt some sort of poisonous icky goo? Thanks.

I know others might be more liberal when it comes to body hair, but I’m saying we keep the fur to a minimum. Getting 6” long strand of Wookie hair stuck in my teeth doesn’t do anything for me (have a look).

Skin-wise I’m cool. Green? Blue? Covered in spots? It’s all cool, baby. As long as her skins is soft and not crusty, I can turn a blind-eye to a bit of exotic pigmentation.

While two eyes are best, I could deal with anything in the region of 1-4 eyes. Any more and all the blinking would put me off.

I can take or leave ears. Not a biggie. Whiskers? Meh. Not fussed. Horns are an interesting one. Small ones could be quite cute, and larger ones would double as handlebars. Handy.

So ladies (if you’re still reading…), what extra/improved appendages would you fancy in your alien shag? Maybe you’d be up for tentacles, what with all those extra erogenous zones you have all over the place. What’ll it be girls?

So all in all, I think casual intergalactic fucking could be a lot of fun. To be honest, shagging humans will probably get quite boring eventually. What with just the one vagina and no antlers. That’s probably why old people just give up.

So yeah, I can’t wait for drunken nights in an alien nightclub tapping up the local talent. C’mon NASA, where’s our interstellar sex tourism? Pull your finger out, FFS.

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