Pull your jeans up, FFS

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Last week I was in Nottingham. I’ve lived in and around Nottingham – on and off – my whole life. Most Saturdays I could be found in one of its many comic stores or staring, goggle-eyed, at the fancy Macs on show at KRCS – the city’s excellent Apple reseller.

So anyway, last Thursday I was again wandering along its streets, listening to my iTunes-stuffed iPod – rueing the demise of the city’s independent record stores (irony has never been my friend), when a guy walks by with his arse cheeks popping out over his jeans.

Now of course I’ve seen this before. Every urban wide-boy, it seems, must now dress like a West Coast rap prodigy. But this guy’s jeans were so low that his belt secured his jeans mid-thigh. I was sure that, as he climbed some steps, his jeans would eek their way down, and he would stumble and fall back down and land in a bling-festooned heap of fail. My fingers were crossed.

I don’t have a clue what this misguided fashion is called (super-mega-funky-low-rise?); I just know that those indulging in it look like complete dickheads. I can sort of handle the more modest lower fitting denim, with just the band of a fancy jockey short protruding out. But now kids are taking it to new extremes, the trousers of the average young man are getting lower and lower.

These kids look like they left the house via the twatting cat-flap. Pull your jeans up for fucks sake. The guy in Notts looked like he’d slipped his duty mental health professional, and was now wandering the streets — a danger to himself and the general public. I couldn’t believe that someone would choose to leave the house like that.

You know, I think there are few things worse than trudging the shops when you’re uncomfortable. Maybe you have new shoes or your trousers are starting to chafe. You’d do anything to remedy your discomfort. I’ve actually bought new shoes or a pair of shorts because I can’t stand my day being ruined by awkward clothing. So why, please tell me, would you choose to wrap a belt around your upper legs, and spend the whole day taking tiny steps and worrying about your trousers falling down?

I sound like an old grouch, but young men are just so fucking girly these days. Dudes should always value utility over any pathetic attempt to appear hip. I’m sorry, but it’s up to you ladies. Tell these punks that they look like muppets, and that they’re not getting near your goods, till they pull up their kegs.

It’s the only way they’ll learn.