How to spot a masturbator

Occasionally you read an article that is just too good. I mean good as in the latest Joel Stein piece or a Charlie Brooker crisp reviewHow To Spot A Masturbator is just such an article.

This piece is fabulous in so many ways. Its author, the brilliantly named “Stephenson Billings”, fills the page with the sort of hysterical religious nonsense that is laugh out loud funny, yet still manages to curdle one’s blood with its sheer creepiness.

Of course it’s only satire, but like the best Daily Mash articles, it makes you desperately wish it was the real deal, just so it could prove every prejudice you have against a certain element of society.

This parody of a Christian Taliban parental guide is a must-read ::

Maternal wisdom has long stated that oversleeping, locked doors, avoiding eye contact, messy beds, fear of clean underwear, long steamy showers and a pungent bleach-like odor on one’s bedsheets are all red flags of masturbation invasion. One trick passed on to me is that you can press your nose to a young man’s mattress, inhale deeply and (irregardless of the smell) announce, “That smells like semen.” If the boy’s face turns red and he runs from the room, the evidence is clear. 


The images below will help you spot the masturbators in your daily life. The first is a simple display of the most common post-ejaculative face types. These boys can be first-time offenders and admonished privately by their parents in the privacy of the home.

How To Spot A Masturbator